Solomon's *real* dad

Every pregnant woman dreams of the child they will soon have. When we found out I was expecting boy, I dreamed of a sweet baby boy, followed by an active little boy, eventually growing up to be a man. I've realized now, however, that I don't actually have a baby boy, or even a little boy. I have a monkey. It's unclear whether he recently turned into a monkey, or if he was always a monkey masquerading as a human baby (early evidence strongly supports this theory), but it is evident now that he is indeed, complete monkey.

Why, you ask, do you think Solomon is a monkey? It's apparent based on multiple observations:

-The kid literally wants to eat 5 bananas a day. I try to only let him have 2 or 3, but I'm convinced if I only offered him bananas for the rest of his life, he would be content. Banana was one of his first words (top 5). As a random side note, anyone in his life knows he has a very particular way he insists on eating his bananas. You must take it completely out of the peel, break it in half, and give him both halves, one in each hand. This is the only acceptable way. If you leave the little stump in the peel of the banana, for the love of God don't let him see it. He will insist you take it out. You should just put it directly in his mouth. If you put it in front of him, he will spend maybe 30 seconds trying to pick it up without dropping either of his banana halves. Then he will just lean forward and try to eat it right off the table with his mouth, pie eating contest style. Moving on...

-The monkey sound (oo-oo-oo-ah-ah-ah) was his first animal impersonation

-He is an active climber. I know that toddler boys are supposed to be, but I think he takes it to a new level. If I'm sitting he climbs on my back and head. If the fridge is open he tries to climb up the shelves. If the dryer or dishwasher is open he tries to climb inside.

-Up up up! Or bounce bounce bounce are his favorite words.

-He is also obsessed with swinging. He loves to swing. There are 4 swings at our favorite playground and he insists on trying out each and every one of them, right in succession.

-At a little gym class we went to last weekend there was one of those swings you have from your arms with. Oh the tantrum we threw ending that...

-He has no fear of heights, or climbing or swinging. No sense of caution whatsoever

-He is super curious. Wants to get into everything.

-He is incredibly mischievous, and loves to do things he knows he's not supposed to (These last two analogies are based on the monkey stereotypes researched and reported on by H.A and Margret Rey)

I'm sure there's more, but you'll just have to take my word for it. He is pure monkey... Now how do I break the news to Gerard??