I think my job will be the death of me

I've been putting off writing this post because it seems too overwhelming to give it adequate background and justice to the myriad of emotions I have with my job. I've also toyed with the fact that I could not write this post tactfully enough that I would not be fired if the wrong pair of eyes somehow came across it. I've toyed with the fact that I'd like to get fired if the right pair of eyes somehow came across it.

I used to be putting up with this job until I got pregnant again, so I had somewhat of an end in sight. But now, this trajectory is seeming more and more indefinite, making the openendedness (that is totally a word, btw) of my job a little too overwhelming.

I could nitpick detail over detail of what makes my skin crawl about my job (keep in mind I mean my current placement, not necessarily my career choice)- but it boils down to the fact that while I love (some of) my clients and (some of) my parents, all of the other bullshit I have to put up with eats away at my soul. My soul.

The 1-hr commute in traffic each way doesn't help. The fact that my preferred client population is all but ignored is not sustainable for me. The fact that I'm put in borderline unethical predicaments with clients I don't feel trained in seeing, but I can't turn down because of billable hours- is almost a dealbreaker. The fact that I'm being pushed and pressured to come in earlier, stay later, and do events in the evenings and on weekends- my time with Solomon that I'd have to pay even more money on a sitter to be away from to go to work and not get paid-- is maddening. But the fact that my new(ish) supervisor for some reason has it out for me and harps on me for every little mistake- even when a mistake has not been made- is what is going to drive me out. I drive too far and make too little to not be doing what I want to do, and to be criticized unjustly in the process.

Part of the problem is my own ego. I think I'm too good at what I do to be wasting my time doing this grunt work and seeing these clients that I'm not trained to see. I feel like my clinical skills and training are being wasted, and even deteriorating from lack of practice. My ego also prevents me from taking my supervisor seriously, because I just don't feel I have anything to learn from him. I blame my grad school for this. It totally made me a snob. I worked with and learned from the top researchers and clinicians in my field, so it's hard to hold many others to the same esteem, especially when they aren't giving me due respect in return (FWIW he's not even in my discipline, he has a different type of clinical training).

There have been numerous occasions in the past few months where I went for a walk or did yoga poses in my office to center- not for exercise purposes, but to calm myself down when I'm on the brink of making a big commotion and quitting publicly, loudly and abruptly. Most of me wants to quit at all costs, but the more rational side knows my family depends on my salary, so I need to stick it out for the time being. I'm torn between taking the first decent job that roles around, and waiting for something great to appear, so I don't keep in this same pattern of holding jobs for a year then leaving.

Only time will tell. But anytime I hear of clinicians leaving, I think one word: lucky.